On Being Alone

Loneliness (Photo credit: Alex Abian (Also on flickr.com/alexabian))

When I was little, I was afraid of loneliness which I could best describe as boredom. I was an only child so loneliness and boredom were the worst threats to the joy of childhood I could imagine. I grew up and found my life populated by a host of people. When I married, Frank and I lived with my father for the first eight years. By the time he died, we had three children. In the ensuing years we had three more children. Loneliness was not something I ever experienced, in great measure, as an adult.

For a few years Frank and I were alone, but the solitude was not unpleasant until he had a severe illness. Then the multitudes of doctors and nurses were mostly an annoyance. They didn't help Frank's discomfort and they added to my unease. He finally improved enough to be released. He could not regain his vitality and energy, but sometimes the humor and joy of his life was still evident. Frank died and I felt the full weight of true loneliness. But I had to go on. My son moved in with me for a few months; then I moved to a town house in another small town. Now I was ready to make it as a single woman alone. I lasted three years. Then my daughter's husband died. She is disabled and needed help, so I insisted she move in with me, she and her daughter. Here I was again in the middle of other lives. We made it for a little over two years. When I started getting medical issues, I decided it was time to try it by myself again. I moved to "the home."

There are lots of people here, but I am more lonely and isolated that I have ever been. Only being alone relieves the loneliness. I really do pretty well by myself. Nothing is more lonely than being with a bunch of people I don't know and have nothing to talk about and no common interests. 

Occasionally when I go to the dining room I want to sit alone. Some people are so kind and compassionate they can't stand to see me sitting alone.I appreciate their kind hearts, but having learned to enjoy my solitude, I wish they would leave me alone. I've mentioned to a few people and now I have acquired a new reputation.  I don't like it either. I'm not really a loner and I don't always want company. I just want the right to choose.   

New Take on Truth

truth (Photo credit: Erick-Pardus)

Truth is an awkward word. When I was a child in school, the teachers and books did not intentionally teach me things that weren't true, but they assured me that humans would never be able to escape earth and live. Now we see people leave earth to visit the space station all the time. Several people have orbited the moon and walked on it. Many things I always thought were true have proven not to live up to their reputation. Science makes liars of us all.

Now I want to find things that are true regardless of science or situations or personal agendas. Truths that supersedes human emotions and situational ethics are foundations to build my life on. My thoughts want me to make decisions based on the standards the world uses--money, intelligence, or maybe comfort.  Sometimes it's glory. These are all subjective and depend on the value I put on them. They are not something I can build on, but they are cultural and societal markers. Seeking truth is harder than it looks.  

In the soul where humans communicate with God alone, only God's truth is valued. There truth is not subject to human emotions or societal pressure, but the mind or intelligence or human desire is still the decision maker, and it still has the influences to lead the soul in making  choices. The struggle is to make God's truth the decider in choices. Even when the soul believes, the mind can argue for the decision that fits the desire of the will, the emotions, or the checkbook.

God's truth is available. Look to it when you need to make a decisions.

Today Is One of Those Days

There are days destined to be lonely, days set aside for sadness. I don't have to moan about it to others, but sometimes being sad and lonely is necessary. 

Today is my day to dwell on these topics.  Maybe this kind of depression is a good thing. It's not debilitating  and I know how to cure it. It's just something I have to endure for a while. After I vent and sort out what I'm distressed about, life will return to normal.

Sometimes, all this venting needs someone to listen and speak soothing words, but mostly just organizing it into categories is enough. Then I have to take some action. Do something. Get up. Go walking. Visit somebody. Write a letter. Clean out a closet. Do something! Anything will do. Just do it   Take some action. Action breaks up the log jam and life gets real again. I can quit dwelling in the land of Melancholy. It may take a little while for the emotions to recover, but once I do something, I know it's over or at least I know it soon will be.

Hold on to Your Siblings

 I got a letter from Mary today. You may know that Mary is my daughter. She is married to Sonny and her children are Chase and Tracy. They are getting along pretty well without me. Both the kids are in college: Tracy is going to TVCC in Athens and Chase is attending Austin Community College in Austin. 

Mary says they are both doing pretty well, but Chase hasn't gotten a job yet. Tracy had a job interview for a new job, but she had already had a job all summer. Mary had wanted to go to BSF(Bible Study Fellowship). She and I have gone for two years. She wanted to go this year, too, but the logistics of taking Sonny home from work and going back to Tyler make it too complicated and expensive. She's going to try to do some studying on her own.

She said she had visited Carol and James David. She thought they were doing very well. Carol was still recovering from her most recent foot surgery. She didn't get to talk to Carol as much as she wanted, but still they were getting along O.K.

It's good to have an independent source of information on the ones I left behind. I really want Carol to have the best possible situation, and I'm so pleased to hear that James David is helping her live and do well.

Am I Really Going to Teach a Sunday School Class?

Katy's visit went well. I lived over it and she did too. I joined the Church I liked yesterday. Katy got to witness it. She was a trooper. She went to Sunday school with kids she didn't know and colored a rainbow to honor Noah and his covenant with God. 

I chose this Church because it had a place I can serve. They needed a teacher for a Young Adult Class and I have done that before. I hope it is successful. I am already researching the topics and reading the material I used in the last one I taught like this. I don't know these people, but I didn't know the last class either. Maybe Young Adults everywhere are similar. At least, that's the plan I'm going with.

 The class starts in October. I've still got a couple of weeks to figure it out or run for cover.

Katy's Visit

My granddaughter Katy is spending the weekend with me at "the home." She is tolerant and deals with my pride in showing her around very well. She rarely say, "Oh GeeGee, really!" She has not been very complimentary about the food, but I didn't really expect it. She has dutifully worked on the paint-by-number project I bought. She has watched TV. I can't stand it--the kids shows are pretty bad.

We fed the fish in the ponds last night. This morning it is cool and windy with the threat of rain. We may make new memories today. The residents are expected to dress in Mexican traditional costumes today and enjoy the Folkloric Dancers at noon. We'll see how that goes.

Tomorrow she will go to church with me. At least she'll get to attend a Sunday school class of kids and go to Children's Church. She may actutally live over this experience. She is a trooper.  

Memories--Part of Another World

Memories don't always follow a prescribed course. This year the anniversary of my mother's death slipped by without any notice. When that happens, it surprises me and I get very nostalgic. I remember how much her friends loved her. Beryl was a cousin and a close friend she often played bridge with. They had a habit of saying things they didn't want me to understand in a distorted voice. I called it "talking in shorthand " Some off-handed gossip or an off-color joke that little ears shouldn't hear could be disguised by this little subterfuge.

Beryl was fun. She didn't have any children, so I got all the attention. I liked it when she thought I was smart, or clever, or pretty. She was married to Hoot, and Mama and Hoot had gone to school together. I liked to look at pictures of them when they were young and it seemed like I was a part of  their lives then.

Mama and Beryl sometimes went shopping together. I thought it was great fun to be the third wheel on this kind of excursion. Of course, they didn't buy anything I was interested in, but I begged for a few items they ignored. I remember the elevators in the Sears store. If was very exciting to step in and wonder what kind of magic the operator possessed that caused the room to move to a new floor. I thought being an elevator operator must be the most exciting job ever. Mama and Beryl talked casually while we ascended and my stomach felt funny. Going down was even more fun.

These memories are a surprise coming without plan or effort, and they offer a sudden visit with my mother and her cousin. These memories are the best kind of surprise!